Self-criticism is the negative way that we talk to and view ourselves, and it’s very common. Research has shown that those who score more highly on questionnaires of self-criticism, are more likely to experience poor mental health, including depression, social anxiety, perfectionism, and body image concerns. It has also been suggested that those who are self-critical have poorer relationships. In this article, I’m going to talk you through some of my tips on how to address your inner critic. I hope you find it helpful. 

In therapy, I’ve often found that low self-worth and self-criticism underpin so many of people’s problems. The relationship we have we ourselves paves the way for how we handle the ups and downs of life. If we can have a supportive and compassionate relationship with ourselves, then we are more likely to feel resilient and able to face life’s challenges.

To address and to understand our inner critic, it’s so important to get to know them. This might sound strange but trust me, it’s key to working with it! We often want to avoid facing up this sort of thing. It takes courage, but it is the first step to changing the relationship we have with ourselves.

How to address your inner critic

To start with, have a think about why you might criticise yourself? This isn’t an easy question to answer as often we don’t know. The reasons that usually come up are that our inner critic is a tool for self-improvement, for motivation or to stay humble. It’s tricky to let go of our inner critic- we know that it’s not always good for our mental health, and yet were not always willing to give it up because we think it helps us or fear that something bad might happen as a result – what a dilemma!

When we start to try and understand, and learn how to address our inner critic, we find out that it commonly arises when we are anxious or angry. Your inner critic may also remind of something or someone from the past who was critical of you. It’s not your fault but it is something that you can change.

Self-criticism is the way in which we relate to ourselves. It’s often the dominant voice in our heads who responds when things go wrong. It’s the negative way view ourseleves, our behaviours, our appearance. 

The science and evolution of the brain

In order to really understand what’s happening in our brains when we are self-critical, it can be helpful to have a look at the science and evolution of the brain. From an evolutionary perspective, as humans, we want to fit in, we want to be liked and be part of a group. Therefore, our brains are always looking out for things that could go wrong – we have evolved to detect threat and look out for danger. It’s part of our survival. And our inner critic unfortunately plays a role in this. 

When we do something wrong or make a mistake, essentially our inner critic panics and says hurtful things as a attempt to make us learn, make changes, improve or punish us. When we aren’t perfect, our inner critic fears (from an evolutionary perspective) that we will be kicked out of the group, won’t be included and thus won’t survive. Now we know that in this modern day that is unlikely to happen, but our brains and our threat system have evolved over millions of years and still have many of the same primal responses. 

The threat system is the part of the blame that is responsible for flight/fight/freeze and is there is detect and look out for threat and protect ourselves. Drawing on the work of Paul Gilbert (OBE) we know that self-criticism directly activates the threat system of our brain.  When this system is activated, we feel increased feelings of anxiety, anger, disgust, and shame. If we have a more active threat system, we are more likely to be self-critical -a vicious circle that can be difficult to get out of.

When we are self-critical and our threat system is activated, our brains have a physiological response. It’s harder to think clearly and wisely. As such, we are less able to soak in information and learn from our mistakes or know what to do to improve ourselves or our situations. As such, our inner critic isn’t really doing the job it intended. How can we improve ourselves and get things right when we’re in a state of anxiety? Self-criticism may well work in the short-term, but the long-term negative psychological impact of self-criticism is negative. There are a lot of drawbacks to self-criticism, even if we think there are some benefits. 

For example; have you ever looked in the mirror and not been happy with your appearance or body image? Often our inner-critic may chip in with unkind words to describe ourselves. Fat. Ugly. Spotty. Skinny. This might initially give us a little kick up the bum to do something to help. We might join a gym, eat healthily that day, drink water or engage in a skincare routine. Therefore, in the short term the inner critic has done it’s job.

However, if we continue to be self-critical, we are essentially activating our threat system, increasing stress and the risk of anxiety/low mood/anger. And if we are stressed, anxious or low, what is the likelihood we will maintain a positive change in behaviour? In fact we are more likely to go the opposite way; eat too much sugar, not exercise, drink coffee not water. Our frame of mind isn’t one that is encouraging and motivating when we are self-critical. Self-criticism is more likely to keep us in a place of stress and lack of change. It’s a short-term solution rather than a long-term shift and change for the best. It certainly doesn’t bring out the best in us. 

In order to care for our mental health and wellbeing, we need to care for ourselves. Self-compassion is a key part of this.

What’s the alternative?

How can we learn a better way of relating to ourselves without the drawbacks but with all the benefits? In order to learn how to address your inner critic, we must introduce self-compassion. If you want to learn more about what self-compassion is, this is a really great short video linked here. In developing self-compassion, we can learn how to address life’s challenges, we can improve ourselves, be motivated, and stay humble. Here are some tips to help with this:

1) When you make mistakes, acknowledge that you are only human. As humans we often hold ourselves up to unrelenting high standards. We strive to achieve and succeed and aim to be always the best versions of ourselves. Ask yourself is this realistic? Are you prone to expecting too higher standards of yourself and when you don’t come up to scratch you criticise yourself? We are humans, we have tricky brains, and we never always get things right.

2)Talk to yourself as you would a friend.  If a friend/loved one called on you for help and support for something going wrong in their life, can you ever imagine becoming critical towards them? Can we give ourselves the same courtesy of treating ourselves as we would a friend?

3) Grow and nurture your inner compassionate voice. Rather than trying to defeat your inner critic, it’s more sensible to cultivate and grow a new inner-dialogue which focuses on forward thinking, warmth, and perspective. We can learn to pay more attention to this part of us, even when the inner critic is talking loudly to us.

4) Be patient with yourself and keep up with the daily practice. If you have had an inner critic for a very long time, it’s unlikely to go away over-night. Doing this work involves patience and practice. Journaling can be helpful to keep this going. Writing about how you’re feeling each day has proven benefits for our mental health. It might however also be helpful to include prompts such as “has my self-critic shown up today?”, “why did it show up?” etc

5) Use compassionate self-reflection as a way of keeping a check on yourself and self-improvement. Reflect on mistakes you might of made, and things that didn’t go to plan but in a supportive, and kind way. In her book “Compassion focused therapy for dummies”, Dr Mary Welford (Consultant Clinical Psychologist) talks about the differences between self-criticism and self-compassionate reflection as a way of growing and self-development. If you are interested in learning more about Compassion focused therapy I would highly recommend her book.

How long before I see changes in how I’m feeling?

Engaging in this work on how to address your inner critic is like doing physiotherapy for the brain. We might not always see or feel the results straightaway but know that every time we engage in a more compassionate response to our struggles, we are sparking new neural pathways and developing a more compassionate mind. And when we are more self-compassionate, both our psychological and physical wellbeing is likely to improve. This takes time and this is why we need to be patient with ourselves.

I first learnt about Compassion focused therapy in 2012 when I attended an introductory training course. At this point, I was certainly more self-critical than I am now. Over the years i’ve continually practiced a more self-compassionate approach to my struggles and it really has paid off. Whilst there are still times when my self-critic pipes up, I’m much more able to now bring an alternative, more compassionate voice to my struggles. I truly believe this had made improved my self-worth and I’m more able to learn from my mistakes, make changes I need to make to improve my wellbeing and stay humble.

The development of self-compassion isn’t always an easy path to take. We can come up against blocks and barriers which can get in the way. If it was that straight forward we would all be living our best lives with no stresses or strains. However I would really encourage to be curious about how you can bring self-compassion into your life and explore ways of doing this. Try not to be disheartened when your path isn’t always straightforward, it very rarely is. Showing up each day, and paying more attention to your compassionate mind rather than your inner critic will get you there.

How to get help and support

If you want to learn more about self-criticism, why not sign up to my mailing list here and for a limited time only, you will receive my free download mini-workbook “how to tame your inner critic”. I will also be running an online workshop on this very topic so keep your eyes peeled for this!  In signing up to my newsletter, every so often you will receive a short newsletter informing you of any other workshops I’ll be running in 2023, plus helpful resources and tips on developing a more compassionate mind.

If you are looking for therapy, you can access therapy from the NHS. More often than not, you can self-refer to your local IAPT NHS service. If you have health insurance or can self-fund you can contact me for an initial conversation about how I can help and support you. You can find out more about me and the services I offer by following this link. Please contact me here if you have any questions.

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